It is about to get deep up in here and my crazy is for sure going to show.
There is nothing like a pregnancy to make all your anxiety disorders come to life, add in that you have suffered a prior miscarriage and frankly pregnancy can become terrifying.
It was my first pregnancy, my husband and I decided to try for a family and the first month there we were positive test in hand. Never had I ever thought I would be somebody who would have a miscarriage. I was young, obviously fertile and this was my gift from God. Then it happened: the pink wipe. If you have ever spotted, you know what I am talking about. You go to the bathroom for the 100th time that day, wipe, and the paper is pink! You call the doctor, you google, and you try to relax. Everybody says it can be normal. I went to the doctor for a quick reassurance visit only to find out that the pregnancy was very faint, my HCG levels not doubling how they should. I was told to go home and put my feet up, I am pretty lazy so I was good at that part.
But I knew heading to bed that night that we should say our goodbyes to the soul that would soon be leaving my body. I told her I loved her and she could let go. Within a few hours, I labored and delivered at home while sitting on the toilet and in unspeakable pain. When I passed what I thought was a large clot, it was all over and the pain subsided. Every miscarriage is different and mine was very early, unlike Stephanie’s most recent miscarriage that happened at the end of the first trimester.
That’s the thing. It feels like yesterday and I can remember every second of it. This is the kind of thing that stays with you. So after one full cycle we tried again, and by God’s grace conceived again. And would you stinking believe it? I started spotting again! I was distraught to say the least. I headed to the doctor for an ultrasound, and there it was, the most glorious little flutter on the screen: a beating heart! I carried that pregnancy to 38.5 weeks and into our lives came the most gorgeous, wild, challenging, inspiring little boy.
But I regret not enjoying the pregnancy for what it is, a beautiful miracle in every step of the way. I was too terrified to enjoy it. I had no idea what was happening in there. I was scared every second of nearly every day. Sure, it is better once you can feel the baby move inside you, but if you have OCD tendencies and such, you skip that “wow” feeling and go straight to constantly counting kicks.
For my third pregnancy, I decided I would make a conscious effort to enjoy it. This is more than likely my last pregnancy and I decided that I want to feel all the joys that carrying around a life inside you can bring. Then it happened – the spotting! The effing spotting! I hate pink, I effing hate pink!!!!! But I now knew I could spot and still have a healthy baby. I knew it could still be okay.
The turning point though came when I was watching (are you ready for this?!) Long Island Medium! She said something that I have kept in my heart every day, every hour, every second of this pregnancy. Essentially she said that you can not have faith and fear, you have to let go of the fear and have faith.
Faith over fear, faith over fear.
I need it tattooed on my forehead in reverse so I can see it in the mirror (my husband opposes that idea.) Whatever faith means to you, it doesn’t matter. Whether it is God, or Buddha, or just Mother Earth, have faith that for whatever is brought your way there is a reason and a plan. Ultimately, you are not in control and your constant fear helps nobody. Enjoying this most precious time will only strengthen your faith.
That is how I am surved and enjoyed my last pregnancy, despite being on bed rest for half of it! Sure, I have had moments of sheer panic but that is also part of a normal pregnancy. I just try to keep my fear in check, and my faith strong.
If you need some encouragment and inspiration, please check out Stephanie’s eCourse, From Maiden to Mother. It is full of information and ways to reduce anxiety and fears as you prepare for motherhood and journey through motherhood.